It’s that wonderful time of year again when we’re constantly bombarded with shopping suggestions that epitomize the meaning of commercialized holidays: subconsciously induced overspending.
During the past year I’ve seen the usual influx of new items that offer no enduring intrinsic value, but will undeniably be placed into cleverly wrapped packages and placed under Christmas trees by the red suited pudgy dude. As customary, I have no use for any of them and here’s this year’s top 10 list of things I prefer not to receive:
Flying Alarm Clock. The moment the alarm goes off the rotor starts whirling and the device lifts off. There’s one slight problem; the brain-blasting noise can only be turned off by guiding the aircraft back to its base using a hand-held control.
Robotic Alarm Clock. In case the aircraft alarm didn’t get you out of bed, this one should do it. Once this wheeled annoyance starts buzzing, the only way to shut off the obnoxious noise is to catch it and press the off button. Oh, I forgot to mention that the first buzzing sound sends it screaming rambunctiously around the floor.
Bacon Lip Balm and Baconnaise. Yuck! If you can handle the mere scent of these concoctions then you may need to re-evaluate your dietary preferences.
Sports Fan Toaster. The sports gurus want us to start our day with toast, which is fine. But they also want us to cheer our favorite sports team as we begin our day.
Yoga for Pets book. Really?! No one owns a pet that’s yoga trainable.
Tube Wringer. Imagine being able to squeeze every molecule of toothpaste out of the tube every time. Of course, it’ll confirm that you’re one of the cheapest people on the planet, but then again maybe you’re just being frugal.
Giant Tin of Buttered Popcorn. Odds are this stuff is made in China and slathered with lead based butter. The only good news is the price; a gallon sized bucket is less than half the cost you’d pay for a small bag of it in a movie theater.
Toilet Coffee Mug. This gift defies common sense and logic and plays directly into the mindset of those who truly believe that coffee will taste the same no matter what kind of cup it’s poured into. If you really believe this faulty premise, then by all means sip your caffeine every morning from this crappy little gift.
Designer De-icer. This should get your frozen winter day off and running in the frustration lane by recalling the “friend” who gave you this frosty gift.
Inflatable Fruitcake. At first glance it would seem to be the worst gift imaginable, but not so fast. This cake takes center stage on the dining table, but the fact that it’s inedible makes it almost invaluable because no one will actually have to eat it.
Of course, the final choices were difficult and the runners-up were worthy contenders. These top five barely missed the cut:
1) pink adult bunny rabbit pajamas with no trap door,
2) motorized rolling pin, at least that’s what it says on the box, but it’s just a joke because it won’t roll,
3) every kind of: bobble-head,
4) shake weight, and
5) anything that has to do with the Kardashians.
There you have it; now please begin the hunt for my perfect holiday gift with a lucid understanding of what not to buy. It’s your call about the gift, but if you get me something that isn’t on this list, but remember I promise to return the favor, and I’m a regifter.